When Tough Love Comes A Knockin’ – Open the Door

Sue Gillis You don’t love me? You are leaving? Wait…What about all those years? And the house, and the kids? ... and…. oh well. Good-bye.

Who among us has not loved and lost? In our youth, thinking we would never recover, we did; and went right out, and did it again. Why? Because love is a universal need, and the most powerful emotion known to humankind. Love and suffering are essential to a fully lived life. To truly experience love, we must be willing to risk the pain and loss that inevitably follow. As C.S. Lewis said to his ailing love, Joy: “Pleasure now, pain later.” They married on her deathbed. Surprisingly, she went into remission … which gave them four more years of loving.

Enduring love remains a mystery. Or does it? The late author May Sarton once told me: “The secret to a full, happy life is to become wholly human.” Sarton went on to explain that a love which endures most likely has transitioned into a kind of spiritual realm, meaning a selflessness exists because each has successfully attained a kind of wholly human sense of his/her self.

The journey to wholeness is hard work. We often need a heavy dose of tough love to kick-start the process. The giver of tough love must be willing to muster enough courage to risk being rebuked. The receiver must be open to appreciate the gesture as love.

Following is a tough love letter between two brothers: from the happily married younger brother to the struggling older brother, in the process of divorce. Reprinted with permission.

“Hey buddy,

As I told you the other day, I've been thinking about you. And below are the results of my thinking. I call it:

The beginning of your NEW and BETTER life: 2005 tips for the NEW GUY:

1) Become more worldly. This will make you a new and more interesting person to all who touch your life. Reading may help a lot. Watch “60 Minutes.” Break out of your hermit past -- and I'm not referring to traveling, though that would be good. But just become more knowledgeable about things outside of Vermont.

2) Read more. Become more engaging and conversational about current events. Read a newspaper every day. Read a whole book once in a while. If you don't want to read, take out audio books from the library. Then any time you drive somewhere you can listen to them.

3) Broaden your interests and hobbies. Take a course in something that interests you, not for the grade but for the learning. Consider a tech-ed course: cooking, yoga, auto repair, building something; also a great way to meet people.

4) Don't let distance stop you. Drive where you need to go.

5) Body shaping/Strength training: In addition to your walking, start lifting weights 3-4 times per week. After some time you will become addicted to it; it's a great addiction (and another great way to meet people).

6) Become more comfortable alone. You've got everything in the world going for you: money, business, health, all kinds of toys and possessions, and a good family. And at least you haven't been buried by a tsunami.

7) Take your time dating. You're moving too fast; take a break! You are still married. You can dismiss it all you want, but that is the brutal reality. Most quality women wouldn't touch you until you are free. If my daughter came to me asking if she should date a guy who's still married but waiting for a divorce, I'd tell her to run, not walk, from the guy. And that's how quality women will react, unless you position it with total truth and candor. Nothing good can come until stability is there. You want a quality babe? Slow down, get your life together, get the divorce behind you, and relax. If you must date, just take it extremely slow.

8) Do not act needy or anxious to any woman, in any way, shape, or form. It's unattractive. In fact, the more busy and involved you are in other things such as your business, hobbies, travel, projects, and books, the MORE attractive you will appear to a healthy woman.

9) When you do find that next woman, go for more than looks. Go for quality and do not settle for less. Avoid needy, damaged, dysfunctional, unstable losers with 20 years of bad history. Go for somebody who's healthy in the head.

10) Get a quality therapist. Recognize that you need to change, so you do not repeat the same mistakes. Invest in YOU. You've had a lot happen to you in your life. You need to get rid of the hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the bad relationships, and any insecurities. Do not burden anyone else with that baggage -- except a therapist. Get a quality one. It's time for a fresh start. If you do not do this, you will NOT progress; you will repeat this all over again. Guaranteed.

11) Do not lie anymore. Tell the truth to your acquaintances, all the time; the only exception is if it's going to seriously hurt someone. If you want truly healthy long-term relationships, honesty is a must.

12) The 2005 mission: Get busy making you the super guy you are... even better.

Tough love, from your favorite brother

Ah.... Will acting on tough love instantly make you whole and bring lasting love? Sometimes yes. Often, no.

But if the door is shut tight, the answer is always “no.”